My aunt met a man on a dating app eight months ago. He says he works on an offshore oil rig, they talk every day, and he's never been able to video chat. Now he needs $3,000 for a customs fee to get home to meet her. How do I spot a romance scam, and how do I help her without pushing her away?
How to spot a romance scam before you send money
Concerns & risks
Your aunt has an online partner she's never met in person who now needs money to get to her.
| Check | How |
|---|---|
| Profile photo | Reverse image search |
| Claimed job | Search job plus 'scammer' |
| Video chat | Ask for a live call |
| Money request | Treat as a stop sign |
| Payment already sent | Call the bank or app right away |
Causes & evidence
The FTC's bottom line is: never send money or gifts to a sweetheart you haven't met in person. Romance scammers build trust over weeks or months, often claim jobs that keep them far away, such as working on an oil rig, serving in the military overseas or working as a doctor abroad, and always seem to have a reason they can't meet or video chat. Then an urgent need appears: travel costs, customs fees, medical bills or a sudden investment opportunity. They often ask for payment by wire transfer, gift cards or cryptocurrency because that money is hard to get back. The FTC suggests a reverse image search of the person's profile photo and searching their claimed job with the word 'scammer'. If money was sent, contact the bank or payment company immediately, and report it at ReportFraud.ftc.gov and to the app where they met.
Edge cases: romance scams increasingly turn into investment scams, where the new partner encourages buying cryptocurrency on a platform they recommend that shows fake profits. Others ask the victim to receive and forward money, which can make them an unknowing money mule. Scammers also target widowed and older adults, but people of every age are affected.
Arguing that the person isn't real often backfires. Asking calm questions and running a photo search together works better.
What to do
| Sign | Example |
|---|---|
| Never meets in person | Always has a reason to cancel |
| Job far away | Oil rig, military overseas, doctor abroad |
| Urgent money request | Customs fee, travel, medical bill |
| Hard-to-trace payment | Wire, gift cards, crypto |
| FTC rule | Never send money to someone you haven't met |
- Talk calmly with your aunt and ask what she knows for certain about him.
- Run a reverse image search on his profile photo together.
- Search his claimed job plus the word 'scammer'.
- Agree that no money is sent until they've met in person.
- If money was sent, contact the bank and report it to the FTC and the app.
Common mistakes:
- Shaming the person who was targeted
- Sending 'just one' small payment to test it
- Waiting to contact the bank after money is sent
ReportSpeedMan tip: Scammers sometimes send a small amount first to build trust. Receiving money from them doesn't make the relationship real.
What I would actually do
I'd ask my aunt to do one video call with him before anything else, and offer to sit with her while she runs a reverse image search, without saying 'scam' first.
The trade-off people miss: winning the argument can cost the relationship. A person who feels judged may hide later money requests, so staying close and calm protects them more than being right.
Checking that it worked
No money was sent and the profile has been reported.
Quick FAQ
What if they sent money first?
That's a common trust-building tactic, not proof they're real.
Can I get crypto back?
It's very hard; report to the platform and FTC right away.
Should I confront the scammer?
No. Stop contact and report the profile.
Wrap-up: If someone you've never met in person asks for money, treat it as a romance scam. Check the photo, slow things down and never send funds.
Wiki: Phishing and Identity Theft Recovery Steps.
How to spot a romance scam before you send money: where the facts come from
Step-by-step photos
1. Before The problem 
2. Why it happens The cause 
3. The fix The fix 
4. After The result
⚡ Speed Summary
- If someone you've never met in person asks for money, treat it as a romance scam.
- Scammers sometimes send a small amount first to build trust. Receiving money from them doesn't make the relationship real.
- Arguing that the person isn't real often backfires. Asking calm questions and running a photo search together works better.
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