How do I deal with criticism from my partner?

Concerns & risks

You were trying to accept feedback from your partner, but their criticism hurts and you get defensive.

Criticism hurts.

Causes & evidence

Gottman distinguishes complaints from criticism; gentle start-ups help. See conflict communication.

What to do

1. Ask for specific complaints, not attacks.
2. Share how it feels.
3. Consider counseling.

Common mistakes: Common mistakes: firing back immediately. Pause and breathe. Ask for specific examples. Notice the difference between helpful feedback and constant insults. Ask yourself whether there's some truth worth considering. If so, thank them and say what you'll try. If the criticism is harsh or about who you are rather than what you did, say how it lands: 'I'm willing to hear feedback, but calling me lazy hurts. Can you tell me what specifically bothered you?' Ask them to bring things up early rather than letting them pile up. If constant criticism makes you feel worthless, that's a sign to seek support, from a counselor or trusted friend.

Speed Man tip: Contempt is a serious warning sign.

Wrap-up: Complaint. Share. Counseling.